new year new blog

So much has changed over the last 365 days. I did get a permanent job, which was my 2010 New Year's resolution. I think my 2011 New Year's resolution will be to keep said permanent job. I moved my family to Duluth and bought a house. Not my dream house, but I've got plans! I am abandoning this blog and will see you on the flip side at ... the chunglunds!

happy anniversary

Three years ago today, Gus and I got married in the Little White Chapel in Vegas ... drive-thru style! Two days before we got married, we had gotten into a car accident in downtown Minneapolis and had to file a claim with insurance. So, it seems only fitting that no sooner has that accident come off our record that someone hits my parked car last night and smashes in the back door on the driver's side. Happy Anniversary!

disappointed

I had my first postpartum sushi at Hanabi with Jenn and Baby J, and I have to admit I was a bit disappointed. It just didn't taste right. I thought perhaps all the pregnancy hormones were messing with my palate, but my disappointment was confirmed last week after I learned this little nugget of knowledge from our friend D, via Gus.

D is Chinese. D went to Hanabi and heard the employees speaking Chinese, so he began asking about their business. It turns out that Hanabi is owned by a company out of New York that goes around opening Japanese restaurants in towns of less than 100,000 people. Essentially, Hanabi is a chain restaurant. Twice a week C and D grade fish is flown into Duluth from New York and then sold at A grade prices to the unsuspecting residents of Duluth.

While I can't say that it was the worst sushi I have ever had because that statement is reserved for the place in Minneapolis that gave me food poisoning and has since closed, for what it is, it costs to much. It's a pretty slick idea on the part of this company though because people around here think it is fantastic. I'm certainly not going to boycott the place since I can't imagine that Zen House or the new Osaka has better fish (although this is purely speculation at this point since I haven't experienced either), I just wish Hanabi cost less.

rounding the bend

Several moms have told me that things start to get easier at about 6-8 weeks. While my exhausted body was skeptical, I must say, I believe they were right. The first weeks of motherhood were really difficult for me. In retrospect, I think that the fact that it took my body so long to recover physically took a huge toll on me emotionally. On top of which, the sleepless nights were not allowing my body the rest it needed to heal.

But I'm now 9 weeks postpartum, and I am finally starting to feel back to normal both physically and emotionally. I am only about 4-5 lbs away from my pre-pregnancy weight, although I'd like to lose another 4-5 lbs after that too. I'm fitting into nearly all my pre-baby clothes - except some of my tops are tight because my boobs got HUGE! I've been able to workout at home, although I sort of took a hiatus last week because I've been tired from working and getting up every few hours to pump.

Baby J gets more adorable every day, if that is even possible. The first time the doctor handed her to me, I thought she was beautiful. As I see her filling out and losing her newborn look, I cannot believe how freakin' cute she is becoming! Her little smiles and coos make my heart melt even at 4:00 a.m., when I am exhausted and just want her to go back to sleep.

The hell that was Baby J's labor and delivery is slowly starting to fade as I see her grow and flourish. She's one healthy baby, who still at 9 weeks old, eats every two hours. Even the memory of the first few postpartum weeks that left me in tears almost everyday is fading away.  And in spite of my overwhelming love for the little life that I have created, I stand by my statement that we are one and done!

may your days be merry and bright

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dear santa ...

Dear Santa,

This year I would like a little job security for Christmas. Every time I feel like I'm digging myself out of the hole and getting back to solid footing, we get hit with another bout of bad luck. Yesterday at work, a good portion of the staff meeting was spent discussing cuts to local government funding, budget cuts, possible downsizing of city staff, etc. and it is very worrisome for me. We JUST moved here, JUST bought a house, and JUST had a baby. I'd like to think that I won't need to be looking for another job so soon, but despite all the enumerated reasons in my favor, I really don't want to end up in the situation that I found myself in back in April 2009. At my last job, I was told not to worry and then BOOM, out of a job. I wish they would have been more up front with me about the reality of the situation and at least I could have started networking and getting out there to find a new job. At this point, if I end up losing this job, I think we just give up. I mean there is only so much a person can do. I say this, but at the same time I've been scouring the job websites for both me and Gus. So if you want to drop some job security down my chimney this Christmas, it would be much appreciated. Thanks much!

Nina

the good, the bad, and the ugly

THE GOOD ...

• Juliet has had two pretty good nights, since her three day crying binge. Gus may beg to differ. He said that two nights ago he was jealous of me because in the middle of the night all I have to do is get up and pump. He feeds the baby, changes her, and puts her back to sleep.
• My milk supply seems to be pretty good and we haven't had to supplement with formula for well over a week now.
• Juliet is adorable and I cannot believe how much I love her even though she is a TON of work and it is HARD.
• Gus has bought the fixings for a Thanksgiving feast re-do. I was a bit disappointed in my Thanksgiving Day meal. Not because the food wasn't delicious, because it was amazing - more because I felt like I didn't actually eat enough. I was worried about who was holding the baby and whether she needed to be fed or changed or held by her mom.

THE BAD ...

•  I'm feeling really badly about poor Carl Rove. He is such a sweet, sweet dog and I know he deserves more attention than we have been able to give him. He really would like to run around A LOT more, but unfortunately for awhile he had taken to running away, which means he is more restricted in his outside time. He has been so good with the baby and so patient with the fact that I have not been able to give him the attention he deserves that I think he should get some sort of reward. I made him an appointment to get a bath next week - not sure if that is a reward though?
• I've been having a hard time emotionally. Some days are awful and some days are better. Yesterday and today seem like better days. Last Tuesday through this Monday were awful. I've been feeling withdrawn and reserved, like I need to conserve whatever energy I have to taking care of the basic needs of Juliet, Carl, and myself - in that order. I just totally don't feel like myself. I have been trying to find a counselor and am going to go see the OB tomorrow. Hopefully, I can start feeling like myself again soon. You know it is bad when I've stopped even enjoying delicious food and I'm just eating whatever is available for the sustenance alone.

THE UGLY ...

• The Thanksgiving trip to Chicago was pretty awful. Both mom and baby were left crying at various times throughout the trip. We left Tuesday night and spent the night in Wisconsin Dells. At which point, I was quite certain that Gus hated me because otherwise he never would have forced me to take an 8 hour road trip to Chicago with a 6 week old that necessitated me to have to pump in a McDonald's bathroom.
• There is this squirrel that has been trying to get in our house through the old - not used anymore - chimney. The opening to the house had been covered but the squirrel was scratching at it. Gus caulked it, but the squirrel kept scratching through the caulk. After being gone several days of the holiday, the squirrel finally managed to get in. Last night I saw it coming up the stairs from the basement and Carl chased it back down. Gus managed to corner it in the laundry room and RIP squirrel. That's critter #2 that Gus has eliminated from our home. I feel badly that it had to die, but I really didn't want that squirrel in my house.

one month

We've made it one month. Me, Baby J, Gus, and Carl Rove are one big happy sleep deprived (or exercise deprived in Carl's case) family. I feel like I'm always needing to make the statement that I really love Baby J - mostly because I feel guilty that I don't really love waking up in the middle of the night and pumping or nursing. I have a feeling that I definitely won't miss that, when and if it ever passes. Gus told me this evening that he will miss having to stay up with her all night ... which again sent me sailing towards the edge of sanity because it makes me feel guilty. Like am I bad mom because I know I won't miss those things? Gus also holds the baby all.the.time. I love to hold and cuddle with the baby, but sometimes I need to do laundry, feed myself, do the dishes, etc. Gus will just sit on the couch all.day.long. watching television and holding the baby. It gives me a chance to get some stuff around the house done, but it again makes me feel guilty that I don't want to sit still all day long holding the little one. Gus and I are just different. I'm still working on accepting that simply because I don't hold her all the time like Gus is not an indication that I'm a bad parent. I mean, she needs clean clothes too, right?

mommy's & baby's day out

Baby J and I took our first solo field trip the other day. We had lunch with my good friend and co-worker Jenn at Hanabi for my first postpartum sushi. Baby J was a perfect little angel and snoozed all the way through lunch. While I was happy for sushi, I admit that I do miss Origami and Sakura. Of course, it's better than nothing!

I'm feeling more confident about taking Baby J out on my own now and can't wait to get her out on the town and show her off! Unfortunately, I'm exhausted. So exhausted that I feel like I am getting sick - super sore throat and achy. Yesterday was the first day that I didn't nurse and instead pumped exclusively. I'm pumping every three hours around the clock. We had enough milk yesterday, but we had to dip into the freezer stash, which has since been depleted because it wasn't that stocked to begin with. I guess we'll find out today whether or not my supply is actually going to keep up with Baby J. I've been trying to do some research on pumping to make sure I'm doing everything I can to keep up the supply. I have been taking fenugreek and drinking Mother's Milk tea like it is my job.

If Baby J keeps up this growth rate, she's going to be huge!

just a bit more whining

I'm going to bitch just a bit more ... or maybe A LOT more. The whole nursing thing is hard for me - perhaps more difficult mentally rather than physically although I'm feeling pretty physically exhausted and dehydrated as well, which hasn't helped my cankles much.

Baby J doesn't really like to eat all at once. She's more of a grazer like her Mommy. But it results in ultra long feeding sessions. I let her eat off both sides after which she usually falls asleep so I change her and then let her eat off both sides again. After her second feed, I try to get her to go back to sleep or settle down long enough for me to pump whatever might be left so I have a bit extra stored up just in case I am napping and Gus wants to feed her a bottle. It is A LOT of work.

In addition to it being A LOT of work, I don't enjoy nursing. I don't like pulling my boobs out. I don't like having my nips sucked on. I hate the leaking and dripping. I do want Baby J to get all the health benefits of breast milk, but I don't really seem to feel the closeness with her while nursing that some mothers describe. Don't get me wrong, I love to cuddle with Baby J - just not when there is breast milk dripping in places that I would prefer it wouldn't drip. I like my bonding time to be snuggled up under a blanket with Baby J.

I've been pumping and bottle feeding more and more these days. I'm getting to the point where I'd really like to be an exclusive pumper. The only thing I worry about is how it might affect my supply to not have Baby J doing the sucking. Based on the research I've done, there can be concerns with supply, if the mother only pumps. But, I've talked with other mothers who have exclusively pumped and never had a problem with supply. I'm hoping to move towards more pumping and less actual nursing.

the first two weeks

When we graduated from college, I remember one of my classmates describing her Carleton experience as one of the most challenging experiences of her life. Prior to having my daughter, I would have had to agree with her. But really? The past two weeks have been particularly challenging for me.

The first week, my body was still such a mess that I could barely take care of myself let alone a newborn. Gus did most of the work that week. He changed diapers and stayed awake all night comforting Juliet. It got to a point where not only was I feeling awful physically, but my confidence as a new mom was starting to erode. I would watch Gus with Juliet and he seemed like such a natural and I was setting him as my standard for parenting. He would hold her 24/7, sing and talk to her, play with her, etc. Pretty much all I could handle was feeding her (and I was barely handling that) and trying to get myself to and from the bathroom.

The second week the breast feeding really was sending me to the edge. We had put a chair in the baby's room, but it was so uncomfortable to sit in for hours on end, which is what our marathon feeding sessions were ending up being. I had the laptop in there with me, but our wireless connection is screwed up and would need to be reset often. So if I happened to forget to reset it before I sat down to nurse (which was often by the way), I was stuck sitting in an uncomfortable chair for an hour plus staring at a wall with an infant attached to me. It got to the point where I literally did not want to feed my child and then I felt guilty because I didn't want to feed the baby. It brought me to tears for three days in a row last week.

Fortunately, I think we finally found a plan that works for us. It involves me pumping more often and Juliet getting a bottle every other feeding. Plus we've moved the baby operation to the family room where the comfy couch is located and at least you can watch Netflix on the TV. More comfortable accommodations and less nursing has done wonders for my mental health. I've been getting more sleep because Gus is bottle feeding through the night and that has also helped a ton.

We've made it to week three and I have been feeling much better. However, I did speak with a nurse practitioner yesterday about postpartum depression. She helped me realize that I have been setting my expectations too high. I am doing a good job as a mother and I am bonding with my baby. Just because I don't want to hold my daughter 24/7 or look at her and feel like she is my entire life, does not mean that I am detached or not developing a bond with my child. I love Juliet and I fully intend to keep her safe and feed her, even when I am exhausted and would rather sleep. She helped me see that this is enough and I am developing that bond with my baby. We decided that I probably am not in need of drugs to treat depression, but the nurse practitioner did recommend that I see a counselor, which can't be a bad idea.

So while the first two weeks were really hard for me, I think I'm starting to feel much better and I am enjoying my time with my little adorable one.

she's here!

Juliet Jean Seri arrived at 8:06 p.m. on October 9, 2010. I've been wanting to start blogging about her, but between nursing, diaper changing, keeping up with the house, and recovering from labor and delivery I've had my hands full. Here's the recap:

October 8, 2010
9:00 p.m.: My water breaks except it wasn't like the traditional gush you see in the movies. It was more like a slow leak that I didn't really realize was amniotic fluid until we did some internet research and called the nurse on call at the hospital.
11:30 p.m.: Check-in at the hospital. doctor gave me a few hours to get my labor started on its own.

October 9, 2010
4:00 a.m. (or so): Contractions weren't producing any cervical change so they started me on Pitocin, which is where the whole thing took a turn for the worse in my opinion. I was able to get a little bit of sleep as my contractions got stronger but I was mostly running on adrenaline.
8:30 a.m. (or so): My contractions were coming about 2-3 minutes apart and they were definitely painful, but manageable. Unfortunately, they were doing nothing for my cervix and so the doctor wanted to start increasing the Pitocin more aggressively.
10:20 a.m.: With the increase in Pitocin every 20 minutes, my contractions went from about a level 5-6 on the pain scale to off the charts in a matter of 10-15 minutes. They started to get so strong that I then knew what people meant when they said it was the worst pain they ever felt in their entire lives. I managed the first 4-5 contractions like this and was continuing to try to "moan" through them like my doula suggested. I was leaned over the bed with either Michaela (doula) or Gus rubbing my back as I moaned, but I eventually could feel myself losing control of the pain and starting to panic. I tried going on the bed on all fours, but it was tough to get there in time for the next contraction and I ended up having one halfway through the transition from standing to the bed. At this point, I was crying because I felt like I was never going to be able to do this and shaking from the pain. I made the decision that I was going to probably need the epidural and so they started me on the bag of fluid that was needed before the epidural could be administered. Well, it takes an entire hour to go through that bag and then you need to wait for the doctor to give you the epidural. The pain is really all a mental game and I think if someone told me that I needed to be in that much pain for a finite period of time, I might have been able to tough it out but I started to panic knowing that it could be several more hours of this.
11:40 a.m. (or so): Anesthesiologist shows up. I was not even bothering trying to relax through these contractions because I knew I was getting the pain meds. I was just tensing up trying to get through each one. I had a hospital gown hiked up to my waist and had to take it off my shoulders so the guy can get at my back. So, I'm naked sitting on a bed trying to do the things they needed me to do - move back on the bed, cross my legs, lift my butt, etc. At one point, when they asked if I could lift my butt up, I just said absolutely not. For crying out loud! Gus was standing in front of me and I had my hands on his shoulders digging my nails into him with each contractions as I struggled to sit still so they only had to poke me once in the spine. I remember the anesthesiologist asking me questions that I couldn't even be bothered to answer because I was in so much pain.
12:00 p.m.: Drugs were flowing and I was lying in bed still feeling the contractions but knowing that they were going to get less and less as the drugs continued their course.
12:15 p.m.: Feeling like a whole new woman. Doctor came into check and found that I had only progressed about 1 inch in dilation, but was totally effaced. So after 8 hours, I was at 3 cm/100%. Seriously? All that pain and I only got 1 cm? Turned out that I had a forebag, which is essentially a second water bag. Because that hadn't ruptured, my labor was not progressing. So doctor ruptured the forebag with what appeared to be a drumstick, but probably wasn't and then said that I should be on my way. He predicted a 9:30 p.m. delivery, which of seemed like hours away ... probably because it was hours away.
3:00 p.m.: The epidural was a godsend and I was able to get some sleep to conserve some energy for the pushing. Nurse checked me and I was at 9.5 cm. I went from 3-9.5 cm in only 3 hours!
4:00 p.m.: My body was ready to push. The nurse suggested I "labor down" for awhile, which essentially means I just lay on my side and let the baby start coming down on its own without pushing.
6:00 p.m.: The real pushing began. Gus holding one leg and Michaela holding the other. The pushing thing was fine in the beginning, but as the time wore on I was starting to get annoyed that it was taking so long. In spite of the epidural, I could still feel the contractions so at least I knew when to push.
7:50 (or so): Apparently, I was stretched to the max and there was quite a bit of blood coming out with every effort to push. I only know this because Gus watched the entire thing and told me later. The whole pushing thing sucked because you could feel how stretched you were and you just had to sit there like that waiting for the next contraction before you could push again. It sort of sucks to have a baby's head sticking partway out of your vagina and then just having to sit there. Anyway, it began to look like an episiotomy was going to be necessary. Gus and I had discussed this procedure at length before we went to the hospital and I had thought that it wouldn't be a good option. However, at this point I just wanted that baby out! That and I was hardly in a position to make a rational decision. Doctor made the cut and baby came out 2 pushes later!
8:06 p.m.: Baby Juliet arrived! I cried. Not sure if it was because I was so happy to see the baby or because I was so happy that pain was over. Little did I know, I had much more pain to deal with but at least that part was done!

Here's a picture of mommy, daddy, and baby ...

It was a long hard road, but we are blessed with an absolutely darling little girl. Sometimes I look at her and can't believe that I have a baby. I love her so much, but don't love the fact that she tore apart my lady parts on the way out. The next morning Gus even said he could see how hard it was for me and that I didn't have to have another baby. He was a champ throughout the whole labor and delivery though. He watched the entire thing and was definitely a participant in the birth process. Our little family is so blessed!

so close yet so far away

I've been waiting for this baby for over a week now. I realize that my due date isn't until Sunday, but for some reason I thought she was going to come early. Every day I tidy up my desk just in case I'm not there the next day. People keep calling, texting, Facebooking, etc. asking if anything has happened yet. I'm so tired of waiting for this. I want to go to Minneapolis so I can go to IKEA, Costco, and Trader Joe's because apparently you can't buy ANYTHING in Duluth. I want to move on with my life. I have been getting lots of positive feedback - doctor said everything looks favorable, doula said that once membranes are stripped that labor usually starts within 24 hours, I'm 1 cm and 80% effaced, etc. But I'm almost at 24 hours since membrane stripping and while my contractions have gotten more intense they have not gotten more consistent. It's such a roller coaster. I feel like it is so close and yet still so v. far away.

i've created a monster

After trying desperately to get Gus to finish certain projects around the house, all of a sudden I can't get him to stop starting new projects. I want to have this baby NOW and I'd like for him to finish up his current projects and then get the house clean for her arrival. I've had to stop him twice today from purchasing more items from Menards to start new projects! Who knew? I think it is his adult ADHD striking again. He simply can't finish one thing before he's on to the next ...

the last weekend of us

Lying in bed on Sunday, the realization hit me that it was probably that last weekend that it was just me, Husband, and Carl. I really enjoy the time I get to spend with Husband and I'm a little nervous of the changing family dynamic. We had a taste of this when we got Carl last winter and it is visibly obvious the shift in family dynamic with just having a puppy. I love to watch Gus play with Carl. Gus is the one that will wrestle with Carl and throw the stick for him for two hours at a time. I'm the one that will cuddle and snuggle with the pup and try to keep him calm. Even just with the puppy, I can see how my relationship with Gus shifted. I imagine it will be similar, but to a much greater degree, with the baby.

I run the gamut of emotions when I think of this baby and how my life is going to change. I'm excited to see what she looks like. Anxious about making sure she is healthy. Scared for labor and delivery. Hopeful that we will be able to give her everything she needs and wants. Unsure of how our life is going to change. I guess it is one of those things you can never be prepared for.

bitchin' kitchen

So the kitchen is about as done as it is going to be for now. And as much as I lamented over the construction time, Gus did a beautiful job. Once he gets the counters cleared of all his nails, screws, tools, etc. I'll post some pictures. We got the kitchen table back in place last night and even went to Home Depot to look at back splash and light fixtures. Unfortunately, we didn't purchase either because we couldn't find any light fixtures we liked and I simply couldn't look at tile any longer. I gave Gus full control over the back splash situation. I just didn't see anything that I fell in love with, but I'm sure that whatever he chooses will be lovely. He's good like that.

Today he is supposed to be removing the carpet from the living room and rearranging what living room furniture we have, which isn't much. We're on the lookout for perhaps a loveseat and a couple armchairs. I think major construction projects will be over by this weekend and then I'd like to focus on maintaining a clean house and nesting a bit before baby gets here!

waiting ...

As I near the end of my pregnancy, I've started working only 4 hours per day. So far it has been nice to have more time at home, but it has meant that I just need to cram all my work into 4 hours per day, which has been a bit challenging.

I had been meaning to put together some freezer meals so that we will have something to eat when the baby comes and we are too exhausted to make anything. I was putting it off because I've been waiting for the kitchen to be finished. It is now finished to the point of functional, but there are a few details that need to be attended to. But, last night I was able to assemble a lasagna and get that in the freezer. Tonight I'm hoping to make chili and enchiladas.

Also last night I just got this feeling that the baby is going to come soon. I don't know why I was feeling that way but there was just something about how my body felt that makes me think the baby is close to arrival. I even laid in bed kind of just waiting for something to happen. I'm starting to get scared of the actual labor and delivery. I had a dream last night that it was really easy, but I'm pretty sure it won't be a walk in the park.

Gus is trying to finish the floors in the other half of the kitchen today and then needs to tear out the carpeting in the living room. We'd like to get that done before the baby gets here! But, if she comes as soon as I think she is going to, then we might be out of luck!

sunday funday

As we eagerly await the arrival of Baby Chunglund, my weekends have been filled with washing baby clothes, trying to clean and finish unpacking a house that is still under some state of construction/renovation, lots of knitting, and plenty of naps. I've knit three hats in the last week or so and have two scarves underway.

Yesterday, one of my favorite people, Erica, came through Duluth on her way to Eveleth and we had brunch at Pizza Luce. So far, we've had a hard time finding a good place for brunch in Duluth and even my requests for recommendations have resulted in things such as Perkins and Old Country Buffet ... REALLY? Luce was quite delicious though. I ordered the Truly French Toast, which was stuffed with brie and accompanied by pecan banana syrup and whipped cream. Erica had the Portabella and Eggs and since the 'shrooms were so spicy she gave those to me. They were also delicious - smoky, spicy, mushroom-y. I also partook in their Bloody Mary Bar (virgin, of course), which I was impressed with - lots of fixings. The only things missing were beef sticks and perhaps a shrimp. But I managed to load my drink down with lots of good things - cucumber spear, pickle, extra horseradish, cheese stick, pepperoncini, marinated mushroom, etc. Good stuff.

Later in the afternoon, since the house smelled like the disgusting adhesive that Gus used to attach the back of the cabinet, we decided to take a drive up to Gooseberry Falls to look at leaves and take a little walk. I think Carl thought that we were torturing him by letting him dip his paws in the water, but not letting him run free and splash around.

It was a nice relaxing day and even though not much progress was made on the kitchen on Sunday, I'm glad I got to spend some quality time with my husband before the baby gets here!

seven pounds seven days

Seven Pounds is not just a Will Smith movie (side note - I did enjoy this movie), but it is how much weight I managed to gain in the span of seven days. I'm assuming it is mostly water weight because I think I would have had to eat like 20,000 extra calories over the past week to actually gain 7 lbs. I have however used this pregnancy as somewhat of an excuse to eat things that I normally wouldn't eat. Since this started as a blog of shopping confessions, I thought I could expand that to eating confessions as well -- here's the start of the list:

1) Pop-Tarts
2) gas station cappuccino
3) Costco muffins
4) M&M cookies
5) The Tappy at Erbert's & Gerbert's
6) Starbucks pumpkin bread
7) Pumpkin spice latte

I assure you there is more, but that's all I can think of at the moment.

sibling rivalry

The car seat has been installed in the car for the last couple of weeks. Carl Rove has ridden in the car twice since the installation of the car seat. The first time he was in the back of the car and when I came out from the grocery store, he had both his front paws in the car seat. The second time was just last night and he was sitting in the back seat next to the car seat with his head inside the car seat. I think Carl is ready for this baby too! I just hope he doesn't get too jealous!